Saturday, August 06, 2005
3:54 PM
Saturday Green
was feeling saturday green today :) unable to concentrate on wat i suppose to do and definitelynot feeling good. happen to saw the application for dance compeition a few days ago, so started to call my dance team mates to ask whether they want to join the compeition and go on stage again. however i failed cos either they are too busy with their work or they can't join cosof some commitment. i seriously do not blame them. but because of this i become very moody and can't control my anger. i keep telling myself that i am no good so the rest do not want to dance with me again and anyway i know my standard very well- not as good. nobody actually understand how badly i want to go on stage to perform again. its not that i want to show offor watsoever reason one can think of. i really miss the trainings and performances. i miss it so much but nobody knows. i miss the times that someone came to give support and always there when i perform. i really hope to go back to the past but i noe i can't anymore.i am not a good dancer as compared to the rest. i am not as flexible as i think i am. seriously i tried to improve but it did not help. i know with my skills now, going on stage will not only embrassed me but also my instructor. i really let her down. she told me once - life is a show, u learn after watching and grow from there not repeating the same drama. i really hope to be like herbut i bloody well know that i can't. why do i want to perfrom so badly? there are so much memories,bad and good. by going back again i will sure be sad again yet also happy. so ironic. happy to beback to dance. sad to see that noone is going there to watch me again. back in sec, i always hope that my parents to see me perform on stage especially big performances. but they never turn up.it has been like this till i am in jc. not that they did appear, but i found sumone even moreimporant in mu life and i want him to be there to watch. i had happy days then. happy and excited to perform cos i noe there is someone going to watch the performance because of me. not anymore.i am working hard to go back to dance so i can also get rid of the 'bad' memories. i have to try all ways to get myself well again. i have no choice. think i need a few days break from the world. should be attempting a missingin action mission.crazy idea? going to put it into action soon. don't miss me.
i wish my life is perfect-`
